The Inner Workings

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration, all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.

Symptoms:

• Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation

• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

• Exaggerates own importance

• Exaggerates achievements and talents

• Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance

• Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

• Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others

• Is easily jealous

• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals

People with this disorder typically exhibit a strong need for self-sufficiency, are rigid and often litigious. Because of their avoidance of closeness with others, they may appear calculating and cold. Usually men are diagnosed with it more than women.


Paranoid Personality Disorder:
The specific cause of this disorder is unknown. It appears to be more common in families with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests that genes may be involved. Paranoid personality disorder can result from negative childhood experiences fostered by a threatening domestic atmosphere. It is prompted by extreme and unfounded parental rage and/or condescending parental influence that cultivate profound child insecurities.

They also state that the following symptoms may be present:

• Suspicion
• Concern with hidden motives
• Expects to be exploited by others
• Inability to collaborate
• Social isolation
• Poor self image
• Detachment
• Hostility

I grew up with a man that was both of these things.  Now there's a fun little party mix to deal with on a day to day basis!

What I have to remind myself is that he did too.  HIS father, and his grandfather, were both complete Narcissists.  I come from a long line of screwed up, apparently. 

It's ok though.  Not the way I was treated or the pure SHIT I've gone through, that part isn't ok at all!  What's ok is the fact that it's made me who I am.  It's made me strong like forged steel because if those men couldn't break me, you sure as hell won't!

I can do this.  Even though my insides quake, and that damned voice in my head whispers that I can't, I put on a brave face and go balls to the wall until I conquer whatever it is.

I've learned to let go of what I can't change.  If I don't like something or someone, I simply don't interact with it/them.  I try to limit the amount of negativity I allow in my life.  Yeah, doesn't always work, but I do my best.

The turning point came when Dad said something that crossed a very sacred line for me.  It involved my child, and I snapped.  The second that he said it, I cut off all communication with him for a very long time.  I didn't even respond to the statement he made because I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hurting me, yet again. 

I realized that I'd spent 35 years trying to make up for whatever it was that I'd done wrong, but I wasn't the one at fault.  Whatever his issues were, were his alone and I had nothing in it.  He was the one who was broken, the one who was unworthy, not me.

I vowed that I would not subject my kids to his moods, rages, humiliation, and general chaos. 

It took four years for us to begin to mend fences. And then he died. 

The fence mending began at his father's funeral, when he came up to me at the graveyard as everyone was leaving.  I don't even recall how he started the conversation, probably with what I viewed as yet another hollow apology to make himself look good, and I snapped.  I unloaded 37 years of pent up hurt, rage, hate and turmoil.  I didn't say anything that I would regret later, but I unburdened myself.  I figured since he'd laid it all on me, it was only fair that I lay it all out there for him to see.  I tore open wounds that had never really healed.  Hurts from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood.  I threw in his face every crappy thing he'd ever put me and the family through.   

I'll never forget the uncomfortable, shocked look on his face as I poured it all out.  Like Tourette's  and vomit.

I felt better because I released it all.  It had nothing to do with whether or not he was sorry for what he'd done,  I felt better because I finally took a stand for myself.  I'll never forget how he seemed to shrink as I spoke.  That big scary man who I'd tiptoed around my whole life suddenly was just a short, tired man. 

I took the power back.  Never again will I give that power up.  Ever.  It's mine and you can't have it!

Dad and I came to terms before he died and for that I'm thankful.  There were a few times where I felt close to Dad, I do have some good memories of he and I, but the older he got, the worse he got.

I think we were later able to mend some fences because I said to him all the things he wanted to say to his dad.  He was finally able to put himself in my shoes.

My great-grandfather was a narcissist, my grandfather was a narcissist, my dad was a paranoid narcissist.  I think the paranoia goes hand in hand with it if you are an ACON of an ACON.  I really do.

The Devil Wears Armani

The Devil wears designer suits
And preys upon your fears
He sidles up and leans in close
To whisper in your ears

The brotherhood he offers
Is not what at first it seems
He sidles deep into your mind
And convolutes your dreams

Pretending to be what he's not
He pulls you slowly in
Assures you if you ever leave
You'll surely die in sin

His way is the only way
Twisting truth to suit his needs
Programs his mindless minions
To cater to his needs

Doom & gloom is all that's taught
Never joyful song
You're a dirty sinner fool
You were raised all wrong

Sit in judgment of your folks
Your family is at fault
Blindly do you follow him
In his thin veiled cult

When you see the truth of him
The light will burn your eyes
You burnt so many bridges
While you swallowed up his lies

Never can you go again
To the place that you were raised
For you condemned the lot of us
When it was he who got your praise

How the mighty fall
When falsehoods they do tout
Who's up on that pedestal
Now that's he's been found out




This is  not my preachy moment, it came to me when talking with another about how people will so blindly follow someone.  They get taken in by someone who says they are looking out for their best interests, when in fact, the only interests that are being looked out for are selfish ones.  You watch from a distance as they are brainwashed and pulled in by someone who is NOT what they are trying to appear to be, yet you can do nothing. 

I'm glad I'm hard headed, and not easily led.

The Linebacker Dance?

I was finally importing the pictures I took of The Linebacker's first football game of the season, and this video made me laugh.  I forgot about even catching it, but it's makes my heart smile because it's just so....him!  The kid just cracks me up every time I'm around him. 

And yes, that's me wondering why I was taking a video in the first place! Apparently, I fumbled around and hit the wrong button...hey, it happens. A lot.  But, I'm glad it did, because it makes me laugh every time I see it.

I also learned a couple of days ago that the coaches asked him to help fill in on the offense for the 7th grade team, as well as playing his defense position on his 8th grade team.  Apparently, the 7th graders had just enough boys to form a team, but not enough for any of them to get a break during the game, so he and a couple other boys were asked to help out.

When I asked one of the coaches about it, he said that The Linebacker demonstrated good sportsmanship and a good attitude, so they felt like not only would he play hard for the younger team, but he would set a good example for them too.

I was beyond proud of him, and so touched by the compliments. 

That same day, one of the teachers asked The Linebacker and another boy if they would volunteer to help the Kindergarten kids.  They will basically help them get used to the school, assist them with homework, and generally just be their "Big Brother" for whatever help they need.

It makes me feel so good that they are acknowledging what a kind, giving soul he is.  To me, it's a good testament to his good nature and loving attitude, and I'm very proud of him.

I hope that no matter what he does in life, where he goes, or who he becomes, that he always remains such a good person.   I hope he always remembers that family is important and being true to yourself is a must.  I pray he continues to stand up for what he believes in and protects the underdog.

I hope he learns valuable lessons from the mistakes he's seen others make, and doesn't repeat the folly. 

I hope he's always him.

Me and Samsonite, A Long Sordid Affair

*DISCLAIMER: The term "you" used throughout this entry is a general term, meaning people in general.  No you's were harmed in the writing of this entry.*

I don't take or use words lightly.  I write because it's how I stop and try to look at the big picture.  It's how I lay all the little fragments out, and try to make some sense of them.  Put them in some semblance of order, and try to understand what I'm seeing, feeling or thinking.  It's more of a clinical evaluation, digging for the what, how and why of the thing that's on my mind or in my heart.  It's a venue for coping, for letting off steam, for dealing with whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.

It's of no matter to me if anyone else reads it.  I put it here for me.  If you read it and it makes you think, then that's fine, maybe we all need that little push to look at ourselves once in a while.  I don't know.

I do not set pen to paper with the intention to hurt anyone.  I do not attack and leave your character lying there for dead.  I do not infer to your friends and family, or complete strangers, that you are a despicable soul, or a good for nothing.  I do not belittle and degrade you.  I do not rip you, or your character to shreds, and then act as if you deserved it.

If I reference someone, it's not to call them out, or to point fingers, it's to help ME figure out how to interact with this person.  Or how I can help them, understand them, comfort them, educate them...whatever the case may be.  It's ME trying to deal with something that is frustrating ME.

I don't lie about you.  I don't turn to those I know have a grievance against you and look for justification to make myself feel better.  Why would I?  If I look at the big picture and admit WHY those people aren't in your corner, I'd likely see they aren't the people I want in my corner either.  I don't turn to the dregs to get justification of my thoughts or actions.  I'm turning to MYSELF to figure it out....which is why I write. It's the equivalent of me talking aloud to myself.

I sit over here, deep in my own heart and mind, trying to figure out the where, what and why around me.  It's that simple.  Sorting out MY baggage, digging through it trying to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what, if any of it, is worth handing down.

Why does it have to be about you?  MY feelings and thoughts are just that...MINE.

MY writing is about ME.  Yes, I do reference people around me (without naming names), but only because my interaction with them affects ME.  The people and events in our lives have an effect on us and I use the writing to sort it all out.  IT'S ABOUT ME, not you.  It's a process I use to evaluate myself.  I'm harder on myself than you could ever be.  I'm working to make me a better me....for me. 

I don't believe in hollow words.  I have no time to give or to receive them. 

My writing is the release I use to cope instead of just letting emotion take the helm.  By writing, I'm able to more calmly think things out, and though I may still feel emotional about the topic, it keeps me from saying or doing things in a rash way.  It usually keeps me from telling you to stick it....usually.

Dad was not good at censoring his mouth.  He'd blow up at you, many times for no real reason at all, then offer another hollow apology.  I can't count the number of times I can remember looking at him thinking "I honestly have NO clue what you're talking about.  What did I do now?"  He'd accuse me of things that I honestly hadn't done, but wouldn't take the time to ask me about it.  He'd just accuse you and judge you guilty, leaving you standing there in shock, just thinking "WTF now?" 

I fight the urge to let my temper explode all the time, and work hard to not perpetuate the curse.  I can't count how many times he'd say something like "It's all my fault. I always screw things up. Blame me.", after realizing that just maybe he had over reacted to some imagined wrong doing.  You can't say it was your fault, in a way that you're turning yourself into the victim.  That means nothing.  You might as well just come out and say "I'm an ass and don't think before I speak, get used to it."

Writing keeps me from saying the first thing that comes to mind.  And those of you that really know me, know that it's hard to tell just what I might say if I don't censor myself.  You know that I rely on humor to cope, and that I tell it like it is.  I have been through a lot in my life already, for shit's sake! Humor is how I survived.  If you don't laugh, you might as well be angry all the time or spend all your time crying over what a victim you are.  I prefer to laugh at it and move on.  It's what helps ME get through all the bullshit.

So before you think this is about you, remember IT'S NOT. It's ME trying to deal with things.  Working out how to handle all the nonsensical bullshit that I've been through and dealt with.  It's me trying to not sit back and play the victim like so many people do nowadays. 

I'm not a drunkard that blames everyone else for my situation.  I'm not some person making really bad life decisions, at an age too young to understand their full consequences.  I'm not feeling insecure about how others view me, or pointing their faults out to hide my own.  I'm not one that's worrying that I have deep dark secrets that will be found out.  I'm not using others or pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. I'm not sitting in judgment of others, as if I've never done wrong.  I know who and what I am, and if you know me at all you do too.

I'm the bitch working hard to figure out more about who I am and what I want.  I'm the sarcastic woman who laughs at herself more than anyone.  I'm the mom trying hard to do better than Dad did. I'm the raging asshole who owns up to her mistakes and her faults.  I'm the girl who loves you with everything she has until you break her trust, then it's gone for good. I'm the giving person who tries to help, without being greedy and seeking personal gain.  I'm the girl who puts her actions out there because she has no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.  It's pretty transparent, what you see is what you get.  I'm not doing things under the table, worrying that I'll be found out later.  I'm the screwed up chic with more baggage than Samsonite, who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with it all.

I make mistakes, and bad choices, and I own them.  Yep, I did it.  I so just did.

I'm the hard heart who will never let you in again after you mortally wound me.  I have no problem turning the switch off and walking away from you.  I've seen me do it.

That's one trait I can't change. 

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Not the you that you morph into when people are around, but the you inside.  The real you that hides just behind your eyes. Do you look that deep? Can you?

Sure, you can look others in the eyes, but can you look squarely into your own? No flinching, no holding back, staring into the the truth of who you really are. 

The truth of who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming, can be overwhelming.  This introspection can be especially hard for those that refuse to acknowledge the choices, actions, life events, and decisions that led them to become their current version.  You have to acknowledge the good and the bad because it's the combination of the two that influenced you.

You don't have to dwell on it, but you cannot pretend it never happened.  To do so, is the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand and living a lie.

I can look deep in my eyes and meet the gaze of the one person who judges me more harshly than anyone else ever could. Myself.

Do I have regrets? No, I have lessons learned. I have experiences that I learned from, good memories, bad choices, unhappy memories, a plethora of things that feed my desire to live more, learn more, and love more. To be myself more.

There are things that confirm my thoughts, ideas and beliefs, especially about who and what I will allow in my life.

There are people and things that will be gone soon,  and I'm glad of that. I do not need or want them in my future. While I will not be sorry to see them go, I will use my experience with them to continue my journey of learning. I won't write it out as if it never existed, I'll just move happily on and let it take it's place in the dusty files of the past

You can, and should, learn something from every day that you live. Whether it's positive or negative, you can glean something from the experience and become a better person.

Yes, Some Of This Is Your Fault. But, Thanks.



Yes, this man was a myriad of things to me over my lifetime.  Father, judge, tormentor, drill sergeant, protector, critic, motivator, nemesis....the roles he played are too numerous to name them all.

Mostly, he was an example.  Good or bad, he showed me what I will and won't tolerate in my life, and for that, I thank him. 

He also gave me the backbone and the nerve to say things straight out, to call it like I see it. Dad didn't believe in putting on a front so that you appeared to be something you weren't. It was more of an in your face, this is me, deal with it kind of thing. That can be good, but it can be trying at times. Especially when others are so busy trying to put on an act. Dad always said that the one pointing the finger at others was the one who you had to watch out for. Like he said, when you're pointing your finger at someone, you have even more pointing back at you.

No matter what you thought of him, he was always himself. I am thankful that he passed that on to me, because I can't imagine how tiring it would be to be hiding behind a mask all the time.

I'm opinionated, I'm sarcastic, I'm random, but I'm also the most honest and loyal person you can have in your corner...as long as you're the same way with me. I don't look out for only myself while pretending to stay on the straight and narrow. I probably should look out for myself more, but I'm just not wired that way. Now don't get me wrong, if you play me falsely, I will set things straight.

I don't play the poor me card. I choose to handle things instead. I face it head on, get things done and then move on.

For that, I thank you, Dad. He believed in more than one liberty, he was a firm believer in freedom of expression, and practiced it often.

Now about that baggage you left, Dad.