I deal with things through sarcasm for many reasons, not the least of which, is that I have found it to be much cheaper than bail. It also keeps my sanity, at least somewhat, intact.
What I have to watch is the tendency to say things that I mean. I recognize that I have the unfailing ability to go for the jugular, and that I have no problems doing so. When I've reached my tolerance level for stupidity or bullshit, or if I feel suddenly on the defensive, I am prone to pull all the stops and rip you to shreds, smiling all the while. I will go straight for that one weak spot that I see in you and I will attack. No regrets.
But, in the interest of not being a complete bitch, I try to temper it....at least a little.
After growing with a narcissistic father, who had a myriad of crutches, I have a whole bunch of screwed up tendencies. I waver from insecure to not giving a shit. I bounce from wearing my heart on my sleeve and wanting to help everyone I meet, to shutting the emotional light switch off completely.
All through school, I was pretty shy and tried to please everyone. I kept a low profile and tried to just float along quietly, because I thought that was easier. As I reached my Junior and Senior year, I realized that no matter HOW I behaved, it wasn't going to be right, so I started waiting for the chance to be me. I even lived in a foster home for a short time during my Junior year because I refused to go home. I was starting to get just a hint of a backbone. Dad gave me a big sob story (and I felt bad that Mom was stuck in the middle of all this) and I went home, but I think he started to see that I would only take so much. Two days after graduation I moved out. I let my guard down and started to discover me, little by little. Mostly, I was searching for acceptance because I'd never been good enough in my father's eyes, or so I thought. And I knew, deep down (WAY deep down), that I was so much better than what he seemed to think I was. My mind would tell me I wasn't, but somehow I knew better.
My shyness and refusal to rock the boat turned into a mix of "I'll play nice as long as you do". I would try to keep the peace, but found myself only allowing people to push me so far. I had finally learned to draw a line....and stand by it! It was scary as hell and freeing at the same time!
Sometimes that damned line is a little wavy, and sometimes I almost forget to protect it, but I work at it even now.
I also realized that the narcissism, drug & alcohol use was not an acceptable excuse for being a prick. I tried for 34 years to figure out what it was that he wanted from me.
Here's the thing.....it's not that I wasn't good enough. Much of the problem was that HIS demons (from being raised with an abusive narcissist) kept telling him HE wasn't good enough. His own narcissism, mixed with being a child in a long line of narcissists, made our lives a living hell at times. The whole reason Dad volunteered to join the Army and headed off to Vietnam was because he wanted to die. No joke. The man ran from demons the entire time I knew him. He wanted to be a gunner because he knew they had a very short life expectancy. Instead, he worked as an X-ray Tech in a MASH unit, where he dealt with horrors that he only talked to me about once. I can't begin to imagine what it would've been like. The sounds, the smells, the carnage. And after serving your country, for two tours, only to come home and be labeled a Baby Killer? Again, he couldn't do anything right, just like when he was growing up.
Sometimes I feel myself almost wanting to release narcissistic tendencies. Then I realize, that I'm not a true narcissist because I empathize with those around me. I truly feel other peoples pain and wish I could fix it.
But, there IS a part of me that whispers how much easier it would be to just admit that no one else does it right, or that I should be the center of their world, or some other inane bullshit. In the next breath, that same voice whispers that I'm not worthy to be the center of anyone's world, or that I'm the one who is wrong.
Both of those voices can kiss my ass! I'm not perfect, but I am pretty damned amazing. I'm loyal to a fault. I'm honest (also to a fault usually). I'm smart, funny and a whole lot of fun to be with. What I'm not is a pushover or a doormat. At least, not as much as I used to be.
I'm still working on all of it, and am slowly making new discoveries about myself.
I'm not perfect, but I could do anything if I wanted to.
