I Could If I Wanted To

I deal with things through sarcasm for many reasons, not the least of which, is that I have found it to be much cheaper than bail.  It also keeps my sanity, at least somewhat, intact.

What I have to watch is the tendency to say things that I mean.  I recognize that I have the unfailing ability to go for the jugular, and that I have no problems doing so.  When I've reached my tolerance level for stupidity or bullshit, or if I feel suddenly on the defensive, I am prone to pull all the stops and rip you to shreds, smiling all the while.  I will go straight for that one weak spot that I see in you and I will attack.  No regrets.

But, in the interest of not being a complete bitch, I try to temper it....at least a little. 

After growing with a narcissistic father, who had a myriad of crutches, I have a whole bunch of screwed up tendencies.  I waver from insecure to not giving a shit.  I bounce from wearing my heart on my sleeve and wanting to help everyone I meet, to shutting the emotional light switch off completely.

All through school, I was pretty shy and tried to please everyone.  I kept a low profile and tried to just float along quietly, because I thought that was easier.  As I reached my Junior and Senior year, I realized that no matter HOW I behaved, it wasn't going to be right, so I started waiting for the chance to be me.  I even lived in a foster home for a short time during my Junior year because I refused to go home.  I was starting to get just a hint of a backbone.  Dad gave me a big sob story (and I felt bad that Mom was stuck in the middle of all this) and I went home, but I think he started to see that I would only take so much.  Two days after graduation I moved out. I let my guard down and started to discover me, little by little.  Mostly, I was searching for acceptance because I'd never been good enough in my father's eyes, or so I thought.  And I knew, deep down (WAY deep down), that I was so much better than what he seemed to think I was.  My mind would tell me I wasn't, but somehow I knew better.

My shyness and refusal to rock the boat turned into a mix of "I'll play nice as long as you do".  I would try to keep the peace, but found myself only allowing people to push me so far.  I had finally learned to draw a line....and stand by it!  It was scary as hell and freeing at the same time! 

Sometimes that damned line is a little wavy, and sometimes I almost forget to protect it, but I work at it even now.

I also realized that the narcissism, drug & alcohol use was not an acceptable excuse for being a prick.  I tried for 34 years to figure out what it was that he wanted from me. 

Here's the thing.....it's not that I wasn't good enough.  Much of the problem was that HIS demons (from being raised with an abusive narcissist) kept telling him HE wasn't good enough.  His own narcissism, mixed with being a child in a long line of narcissists, made our lives a living hell at times.  The whole reason Dad volunteered to join the Army and headed off to Vietnam was because he wanted to die.  No joke.  The man ran from demons the entire time I knew him.  He wanted to be a gunner because he knew they had a very short life expectancy.  Instead, he worked as an X-ray Tech in a MASH unit, where he dealt with horrors that he only talked to me about once.  I can't begin to imagine what it would've been like.  The sounds, the smells, the carnage.  And after serving your country, for two tours, only to come home and be labeled a Baby Killer?  Again, he couldn't do anything right, just like when he was growing up. 

Sometimes I feel myself almost wanting to release narcissistic tendencies.  Then I realize, that I'm not a true narcissist because I empathize with those around me.  I truly feel other peoples pain and wish I could fix it.

But, there IS a part of me that whispers how much easier it would be to just admit that no one else does it right, or that I should be the center of their world, or some other inane bullshit.  In the next breath, that same voice whispers that I'm not worthy to be the center of anyone's world, or that I'm the one who is wrong.

Both of those voices can kiss my ass!  I'm not perfect, but I am pretty damned amazing.  I'm loyal to a fault.  I'm honest (also to a fault usually).  I'm smart, funny and a whole lot of fun to be with.  What I'm not is a pushover or a doormat.  At least, not as much as I used to be. 

I'm still working on all of it, and am slowly making new discoveries about myself. 

I'm not perfect, but I could do anything if I wanted to.

Exit....Stage Left

There are people, places and things that are not hard to walk away from.  You might think it would be, but surprisingly, when you find yourself faced with the decision, it's a relief to walk away and close the door.

For myself, the grief comes not from walking away, it comes from how EASY it is to walk away.  I briefly mourn what I think I SHOULD'VE felt when that door was closed, not the closing of the door itself. 

It's strange really.

You can't miss what you never had, so the mourning of the "should've been" is brief and not too intense compared to losing things you actually did have.

As I've journeyed through life, and learned to deal with different things, I've found that it's not hard to walk away anymore.  I simply turn, walk away and I rarely feel the urge for a backward glance.  Not anymore.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to make every little thing right.  I would stress myself to no end wondering what I could do different to make it all ok.

Now, I realize that I can't do anything to make it better because it isn't a problem of my doing to begin with.

Repeat after me "Not my problem".  Very good!

Did I become bitter and callous? Hateful and vengeful?  No.  I became focused on what truly matters.  Stress and drama are not what matters.  You being in the throws of a constant soap opera of deceit, paranoia, schemes and plans, while pretending to be something you're not, is not on my list of activities to participate in.  No thanks.  Don't need it, don't want it, won't tolerate it.

If a family member turns their back on you, or puts distance in your relationship, why would you chase them?  If they put everyone else ahead of their closest family, why would you spend your time and energy trying to make it work, when they are clearly choosing not to be an active, involved member of the family?  Surely you wouldn't tolerate a fair weather friend, would you?  Why tolerate a family member who acts that way? 

Do I still consider them family?  In a biological way, yes.  But are they "real" family?  No.  Family is more that just common DNA. 

Keep in mind that it's usually the person who is afraid of their flaws, actions or schemes being found out that is the person to put the distance in place to begin with.  The person who has something to hide will point fingers and throw stones as if their life depends on it.  And in their  mind, maybe it does.  As long as they are drawing attention to the real, or imagined, wrongs that everyone else is committing, then they think no one will see their problems. 

It's not wrong to shrug your shoulders, admit that you tried, then walk away.  Go live your life!  Their problems are not yours, you can't fix it and shouldn't be expected to. 

There are only a small handful of people that I've ever truly walked away from.  Do I regret it?  No.  It took me a long time to realize it's ok to stand up for yourself and close the door on an unhealthy situation.  Sure, it would've been nice if things could've been different, but some people will never change, and that's their choice.  The way a person treats others is totally up to them.  How I react to that treatment, and whether or not I accept it, is up to me.

Tell them it's not acceptable and go on your way.  It really is just that easy.

I'm not saying it won't hurt.  But as you learn to put yourself, and your real friends and family first, it becomes easier to stand firm and make the tough decisions.

It's very freeing.  It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, and the stress has been washed away.

Make like Snagglepuss, tip your hat and exit..stage left.  After all, you're the director of your life and you get to decide who stars in the production and who gets cut.

The Inner Workings

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration, all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.

Symptoms:

• Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation

• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

• Exaggerates own importance

• Exaggerates achievements and talents

• Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance

• Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

• Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others

• Is easily jealous

• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals

People with this disorder typically exhibit a strong need for self-sufficiency, are rigid and often litigious. Because of their avoidance of closeness with others, they may appear calculating and cold. Usually men are diagnosed with it more than women.


Paranoid Personality Disorder:
The specific cause of this disorder is unknown. It appears to be more common in families with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests that genes may be involved. Paranoid personality disorder can result from negative childhood experiences fostered by a threatening domestic atmosphere. It is prompted by extreme and unfounded parental rage and/or condescending parental influence that cultivate profound child insecurities.

They also state that the following symptoms may be present:

• Suspicion
• Concern with hidden motives
• Expects to be exploited by others
• Inability to collaborate
• Social isolation
• Poor self image
• Detachment
• Hostility

I grew up with a man that was both of these things.  Now there's a fun little party mix to deal with on a day to day basis!

What I have to remind myself is that he did too.  HIS father, and his grandfather, were both complete Narcissists.  I come from a long line of screwed up, apparently. 

It's ok though.  Not the way I was treated or the pure SHIT I've gone through, that part isn't ok at all!  What's ok is the fact that it's made me who I am.  It's made me strong like forged steel because if those men couldn't break me, you sure as hell won't!

I can do this.  Even though my insides quake, and that damned voice in my head whispers that I can't, I put on a brave face and go balls to the wall until I conquer whatever it is.

I've learned to let go of what I can't change.  If I don't like something or someone, I simply don't interact with it/them.  I try to limit the amount of negativity I allow in my life.  Yeah, doesn't always work, but I do my best.

The turning point came when Dad said something that crossed a very sacred line for me.  It involved my child, and I snapped.  The second that he said it, I cut off all communication with him for a very long time.  I didn't even respond to the statement he made because I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hurting me, yet again. 

I realized that I'd spent 35 years trying to make up for whatever it was that I'd done wrong, but I wasn't the one at fault.  Whatever his issues were, were his alone and I had nothing in it.  He was the one who was broken, the one who was unworthy, not me.

I vowed that I would not subject my kids to his moods, rages, humiliation, and general chaos. 

It took four years for us to begin to mend fences. And then he died. 

The fence mending began at his father's funeral, when he came up to me at the graveyard as everyone was leaving.  I don't even recall how he started the conversation, probably with what I viewed as yet another hollow apology to make himself look good, and I snapped.  I unloaded 37 years of pent up hurt, rage, hate and turmoil.  I didn't say anything that I would regret later, but I unburdened myself.  I figured since he'd laid it all on me, it was only fair that I lay it all out there for him to see.  I tore open wounds that had never really healed.  Hurts from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood.  I threw in his face every crappy thing he'd ever put me and the family through.   

I'll never forget the uncomfortable, shocked look on his face as I poured it all out.  Like Tourette's  and vomit.

I felt better because I released it all.  It had nothing to do with whether or not he was sorry for what he'd done,  I felt better because I finally took a stand for myself.  I'll never forget how he seemed to shrink as I spoke.  That big scary man who I'd tiptoed around my whole life suddenly was just a short, tired man. 

I took the power back.  Never again will I give that power up.  Ever.  It's mine and you can't have it!

Dad and I came to terms before he died and for that I'm thankful.  There were a few times where I felt close to Dad, I do have some good memories of he and I, but the older he got, the worse he got.

I think we were later able to mend some fences because I said to him all the things he wanted to say to his dad.  He was finally able to put himself in my shoes.

My great-grandfather was a narcissist, my grandfather was a narcissist, my dad was a paranoid narcissist.  I think the paranoia goes hand in hand with it if you are an ACON of an ACON.  I really do.

The Linebacker Dance?

I was finally importing the pictures I took of The Linebacker's first football game of the season, and this video made me laugh.  I forgot about even catching it, but it's makes my heart smile because it's just so....him!  The kid just cracks me up every time I'm around him. 

And yes, that's me wondering why I was taking a video in the first place! Apparently, I fumbled around and hit the wrong button...hey, it happens. A lot.  But, I'm glad it did, because it makes me laugh every time I see it.

I also learned a couple of days ago that the coaches asked him to help fill in on the offense for the 7th grade team, as well as playing his defense position on his 8th grade team.  Apparently, the 7th graders had just enough boys to form a team, but not enough for any of them to get a break during the game, so he and a couple other boys were asked to help out.

When I asked one of the coaches about it, he said that The Linebacker demonstrated good sportsmanship and a good attitude, so they felt like not only would he play hard for the younger team, but he would set a good example for them too.

I was beyond proud of him, and so touched by the compliments. 

That same day, one of the teachers asked The Linebacker and another boy if they would volunteer to help the Kindergarten kids.  They will basically help them get used to the school, assist them with homework, and generally just be their "Big Brother" for whatever help they need.

It makes me feel so good that they are acknowledging what a kind, giving soul he is.  To me, it's a good testament to his good nature and loving attitude, and I'm very proud of him.

I hope that no matter what he does in life, where he goes, or who he becomes, that he always remains such a good person.   I hope he always remembers that family is important and being true to yourself is a must.  I pray he continues to stand up for what he believes in and protects the underdog.

I hope he learns valuable lessons from the mistakes he's seen others make, and doesn't repeat the folly. 

I hope he's always him.

Me and Samsonite, A Long Sordid Affair

*DISCLAIMER: The term "you" used throughout this entry is a general term, meaning people in general.  No you's were harmed in the writing of this entry.*

I don't take or use words lightly.  I write because it's how I stop and try to look at the big picture.  It's how I lay all the little fragments out, and try to make some sense of them.  Put them in some semblance of order, and try to understand what I'm seeing, feeling or thinking.  It's more of a clinical evaluation, digging for the what, how and why of the thing that's on my mind or in my heart.  It's a venue for coping, for letting off steam, for dealing with whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.

It's of no matter to me if anyone else reads it.  I put it here for me.  If you read it and it makes you think, then that's fine, maybe we all need that little push to look at ourselves once in a while.  I don't know.

I do not set pen to paper with the intention to hurt anyone.  I do not attack and leave your character lying there for dead.  I do not infer to your friends and family, or complete strangers, that you are a despicable soul, or a good for nothing.  I do not belittle and degrade you.  I do not rip you, or your character to shreds, and then act as if you deserved it.

If I reference someone, it's not to call them out, or to point fingers, it's to help ME figure out how to interact with this person.  Or how I can help them, understand them, comfort them, educate them...whatever the case may be.  It's ME trying to deal with something that is frustrating ME.

I don't lie about you.  I don't turn to those I know have a grievance against you and look for justification to make myself feel better.  Why would I?  If I look at the big picture and admit WHY those people aren't in your corner, I'd likely see they aren't the people I want in my corner either.  I don't turn to the dregs to get justification of my thoughts or actions.  I'm turning to MYSELF to figure it out....which is why I write. It's the equivalent of me talking aloud to myself.

I sit over here, deep in my own heart and mind, trying to figure out the where, what and why around me.  It's that simple.  Sorting out MY baggage, digging through it trying to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what, if any of it, is worth handing down.

Why does it have to be about you?  MY feelings and thoughts are just that...MINE.

MY writing is about ME.  Yes, I do reference people around me (without naming names), but only because my interaction with them affects ME.  The people and events in our lives have an effect on us and I use the writing to sort it all out.  IT'S ABOUT ME, not you.  It's a process I use to evaluate myself.  I'm harder on myself than you could ever be.  I'm working to make me a better me....for me. 

I don't believe in hollow words.  I have no time to give or to receive them. 

My writing is the release I use to cope instead of just letting emotion take the helm.  By writing, I'm able to more calmly think things out, and though I may still feel emotional about the topic, it keeps me from saying or doing things in a rash way.  It usually keeps me from telling you to stick it....usually.

Dad was not good at censoring his mouth.  He'd blow up at you, many times for no real reason at all, then offer another hollow apology.  I can't count the number of times I can remember looking at him thinking "I honestly have NO clue what you're talking about.  What did I do now?"  He'd accuse me of things that I honestly hadn't done, but wouldn't take the time to ask me about it.  He'd just accuse you and judge you guilty, leaving you standing there in shock, just thinking "WTF now?" 

I fight the urge to let my temper explode all the time, and work hard to not perpetuate the curse.  I can't count how many times he'd say something like "It's all my fault. I always screw things up. Blame me.", after realizing that just maybe he had over reacted to some imagined wrong doing.  You can't say it was your fault, in a way that you're turning yourself into the victim.  That means nothing.  You might as well just come out and say "I'm an ass and don't think before I speak, get used to it."

Writing keeps me from saying the first thing that comes to mind.  And those of you that really know me, know that it's hard to tell just what I might say if I don't censor myself.  You know that I rely on humor to cope, and that I tell it like it is.  I have been through a lot in my life already, for shit's sake! Humor is how I survived.  If you don't laugh, you might as well be angry all the time or spend all your time crying over what a victim you are.  I prefer to laugh at it and move on.  It's what helps ME get through all the bullshit.

So before you think this is about you, remember IT'S NOT. It's ME trying to deal with things.  Working out how to handle all the nonsensical bullshit that I've been through and dealt with.  It's me trying to not sit back and play the victim like so many people do nowadays. 

I'm not a drunkard that blames everyone else for my situation.  I'm not some person making really bad life decisions, at an age too young to understand their full consequences.  I'm not feeling insecure about how others view me, or pointing their faults out to hide my own.  I'm not one that's worrying that I have deep dark secrets that will be found out.  I'm not using others or pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. I'm not sitting in judgment of others, as if I've never done wrong.  I know who and what I am, and if you know me at all you do too.

I'm the bitch working hard to figure out more about who I am and what I want.  I'm the sarcastic woman who laughs at herself more than anyone.  I'm the mom trying hard to do better than Dad did. I'm the raging asshole who owns up to her mistakes and her faults.  I'm the girl who loves you with everything she has until you break her trust, then it's gone for good. I'm the giving person who tries to help, without being greedy and seeking personal gain.  I'm the girl who puts her actions out there because she has no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.  It's pretty transparent, what you see is what you get.  I'm not doing things under the table, worrying that I'll be found out later.  I'm the screwed up chic with more baggage than Samsonite, who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with it all.

I make mistakes, and bad choices, and I own them.  Yep, I did it.  I so just did.

I'm the hard heart who will never let you in again after you mortally wound me.  I have no problem turning the switch off and walking away from you.  I've seen me do it.

That's one trait I can't change.