Now and Later

There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

It either is, or it isn’t.

But, isn’t that the way of all things?

What other options are there? Something either is…or it isn’t.

You can't force it.

It's the age old adage of the "square peg and the round hole".

It’s just that simple.

Right?

Now, the one exception to the rule, because all things have an exception, is our perception of what’s good or acceptable, in that particular moment.

 That’s quite a gray area, now isn’t it?

What may be acceptable tends to fluctuate.

As we grow older, we, hopefully, grow wiser.

In our 20's we think we are wordly and educated.  We are on fire about so many things, and we set out to take the world by storm.  Truthfully, we are just smart enough to cause a minor train wreck.

By the time we are in our 30's, we can choose our battles a little better, but still tend to trip over our feet from time to time, which is to be expected.  We're just smart enough to really screw things up, but also fairly well equipped to fix it. 

Our 40's are the time we sit back and realize that our parents, and grandparents, really did have alot more things figured out than we gave them credit for.  Suddenly, the light bulb over heads come on with near full intensity.  As the shadows of ill informed youth begin to leave our minds, we realize there truly is no need to sweat the petty stuff we've stressed over all this time.   Chances are if we do demolish something at this age, we don't want to fix it.  We annihilated it on purpose...just saying.

We realize that it's ok to say No...and to MEAN IT. 

We realize that doing things for ourselves isn't "selfish".  It's self preserving and self nurturing. 

Don't get it?

You're too young to understand.  I'll tell you when you're older.

This Too Shall Pass....

....Like a kidney stone.


January 12th will be a year since Dad died.  (Of course, I'm still super pissed about not finding out until the 13th, but we'll not get on that little soap box right now.)  The thing is, it's my first Christmas without him being here. 

The first Christmas that I don't have to decide if I want to chance having interaction with him.

The first Christmas I don't have to feel guilty about not going to see him, or berating myself if I do and it goes badly.

It's the first Christmas where I truly feel like I don't have to put up with other "family" that I don't want to be around.  (I cannot stand the idea of putting on a fake front and playing nice with people that you really have no desire to be around. NOT the spirit and meaning behind Christmas, so why do we do that?)

Yes sir, for the most part, this has the makings of a new kind of weird Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I miss Dad.  It's weird knowing that it's over, he's gone, there's no "maybe tomorrow".  He'll never see all my kids graduate.  He'll never have great grandkids.  It's just done. 

Fini

The one thing I have gained from all this is that I've been shown the true colors of others and freed from any guilt I may have felt from not doing my part to keep in closer touch with them.  Hallmark, and everyone else cashing in on the holidays, tells us that holidays are a time for family and mending fences and blah blah blah. It's all sunshine and happiness.

Bullshit.

It's awkward situations filled with people who are glancing furtively at their watches to see if they've stayed long enough to be able to make an acceptable escape.

It's people who are wishing they were having a lobotomy without sedation, instead of being cooped up in the stuffy house with people that grate on them like 80 grit toilet paper.

It's people feeling stressed out beyond belief and dying to run as far and as fast as they can.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Yes, I can hear you saying "because it's the right thing to do" or "because it means so much to (insert relative here)" .  Or my favorite "I do it to try to keep the peace".

At what point was the huge responsibility of being Peace Keeper set upon your shoulders?  Are you the Wyatt Earp of the holidays? 

Is it acceptable for you to have the stress and anxiety piled on you, while you work, often without true success, to keep the entire mess from falling into chaos?

I think not.

The holidays are indeed meant to be a happy time that we share with people we care about the most.  A time to be thankful for the good things in our lives.

It's not a time to wish Rolaids came in a Pez dispenser because you're popping them in rapid fire succession on the way to Grandma's. 

It's not supposed to be a time that you hope you can get just enough of a happy buzz going before that doorbell rings, so you can float your way through the inevitable conflict that is threatening to break the surface at any moment.

And that relative you dread the most?  You know the one.  The one who puts on airs and a fake front, but swears no one can see through him? The one who thinks that everyone is in awe of him and just so amazed by what a righteous, glorified, perfect person he is?  The one who has inflated his own self worth to ridiculous, unrealistic levels? 

You know the one I mean.  The one that has his exit followed by a sigh of relief by the whole group.

Why would you let this relative ruin a perfectly good holiday?  Just simply don't allow it.  It really is that easy.

My holiday plans this year are simple.  Spend time with those who I want to be around.   I'll be spending the day with The Linebacker and the BF.

I may not get to see my Grandma's on Christmas, but that's ok, I'll catch up with them after Christmas, when we have time to actually sit and enjoy some time together, without the chaos and tension, and without the time restrictions when you factor in driving to several different places.

There's nothing wrong with spending the holidays the way YOU choose to spend them.  I'm very thankful for the friends and family that I share my life with, no matter the distance between us.  And for those that I choose not to include in my life, well, I'm thankful that I don't have to pretend that the situation is something different than what it is.

Merry Christmas to those that mean so much to me and mine.

The rest? 

Happy trails to you....

Atta boy!

There have been many times that I've been proud of each of my kids.  Last night, The Linebacker outdid himself and I'm so very proud of the person he's becoming.

He played two football games last night, and even though he was hot, tired and sore, he gave his all.  For every minute, of every game, he played with everything he had.  Not only did he demonstrate good sportsmanship, he demonstrated a helluva lot of heart!

He played for the 7th grade team, which is short a couple players now due to injuries.  He started out playing defense for them, but about halfway into the game an offensive player got hurt so he took that position too.  By the time that game was over, The Linebacker had already racked up a lot of field time, but he headed off to meet his team mates on the 8th grade team. 

The 8th graders were on fire and shut the other team out, 28-0.  They played HARD through all  four quarters.

By the end of the night, Wyatt had racked up 3 really nice tackles and some assists. For no bigger than he is, that kid can hit like a freight train. 

Am I proud of his performance last night?  Of course, I am!  I'm crazy proud of how he played.  But what I'm most proud of is the attitude he showed.  He gave everything he had for both teams.  He didn't look at playing for the younger team as an inconvenience or act as if  it wasn't "his" team so it didn't matter.  He put the good of the teams ahead of himself, and I couldn't be more proud of that. 

He's not the star of the team, he's not the least talented player, but he's a good solid player that tries hard and is dependable.  That's a good place to be, if you ask me.

If he hadn't made one single play, I wouldn't be any less proud of him than I am right now.  He was a true team player, and put a large number of others ahead of himself.  I'm so thankful for that.

It's nice to know that in this world of instant gratification and downright selfishness, there's at least one young person who understands what it is to gain by giving.  That person is my kid.

Yeah, that's my boy!

The Inner Workings

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration, all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment.

Symptoms:

• Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation

• Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

• Exaggerates own importance

• Exaggerates achievements and talents

• Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance

• Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

• Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others

• Is easily jealous

• Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
• Has obsessive self-interest
• Pursues mainly selfish goals

People with this disorder typically exhibit a strong need for self-sufficiency, are rigid and often litigious. Because of their avoidance of closeness with others, they may appear calculating and cold. Usually men are diagnosed with it more than women.


Paranoid Personality Disorder:
The specific cause of this disorder is unknown. It appears to be more common in families with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests that genes may be involved. Paranoid personality disorder can result from negative childhood experiences fostered by a threatening domestic atmosphere. It is prompted by extreme and unfounded parental rage and/or condescending parental influence that cultivate profound child insecurities.

They also state that the following symptoms may be present:

• Suspicion
• Concern with hidden motives
• Expects to be exploited by others
• Inability to collaborate
• Social isolation
• Poor self image
• Detachment
• Hostility

I grew up with a man that was both of these things.  Now there's a fun little party mix to deal with on a day to day basis!

What I have to remind myself is that he did too.  HIS father, and his grandfather, were both complete Narcissists.  I come from a long line of screwed up, apparently. 

It's ok though.  Not the way I was treated or the pure SHIT I've gone through, that part isn't ok at all!  What's ok is the fact that it's made me who I am.  It's made me strong like forged steel because if those men couldn't break me, you sure as hell won't!

I can do this.  Even though my insides quake, and that damned voice in my head whispers that I can't, I put on a brave face and go balls to the wall until I conquer whatever it is.

I've learned to let go of what I can't change.  If I don't like something or someone, I simply don't interact with it/them.  I try to limit the amount of negativity I allow in my life.  Yeah, doesn't always work, but I do my best.

The turning point came when Dad said something that crossed a very sacred line for me.  It involved my child, and I snapped.  The second that he said it, I cut off all communication with him for a very long time.  I didn't even respond to the statement he made because I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hurting me, yet again. 

I realized that I'd spent 35 years trying to make up for whatever it was that I'd done wrong, but I wasn't the one at fault.  Whatever his issues were, were his alone and I had nothing in it.  He was the one who was broken, the one who was unworthy, not me.

I vowed that I would not subject my kids to his moods, rages, humiliation, and general chaos. 

It took four years for us to begin to mend fences. And then he died. 

The fence mending began at his father's funeral, when he came up to me at the graveyard as everyone was leaving.  I don't even recall how he started the conversation, probably with what I viewed as yet another hollow apology to make himself look good, and I snapped.  I unloaded 37 years of pent up hurt, rage, hate and turmoil.  I didn't say anything that I would regret later, but I unburdened myself.  I figured since he'd laid it all on me, it was only fair that I lay it all out there for him to see.  I tore open wounds that had never really healed.  Hurts from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood.  I threw in his face every crappy thing he'd ever put me and the family through.   

I'll never forget the uncomfortable, shocked look on his face as I poured it all out.  Like Tourette's  and vomit.

I felt better because I released it all.  It had nothing to do with whether or not he was sorry for what he'd done,  I felt better because I finally took a stand for myself.  I'll never forget how he seemed to shrink as I spoke.  That big scary man who I'd tiptoed around my whole life suddenly was just a short, tired man. 

I took the power back.  Never again will I give that power up.  Ever.  It's mine and you can't have it!

Dad and I came to terms before he died and for that I'm thankful.  There were a few times where I felt close to Dad, I do have some good memories of he and I, but the older he got, the worse he got.

I think we were later able to mend some fences because I said to him all the things he wanted to say to his dad.  He was finally able to put himself in my shoes.

My great-grandfather was a narcissist, my grandfather was a narcissist, my dad was a paranoid narcissist.  I think the paranoia goes hand in hand with it if you are an ACON of an ACON.  I really do.

Me and Samsonite, A Long Sordid Affair

*DISCLAIMER: The term "you" used throughout this entry is a general term, meaning people in general.  No you's were harmed in the writing of this entry.*

I don't take or use words lightly.  I write because it's how I stop and try to look at the big picture.  It's how I lay all the little fragments out, and try to make some sense of them.  Put them in some semblance of order, and try to understand what I'm seeing, feeling or thinking.  It's more of a clinical evaluation, digging for the what, how and why of the thing that's on my mind or in my heart.  It's a venue for coping, for letting off steam, for dealing with whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.

It's of no matter to me if anyone else reads it.  I put it here for me.  If you read it and it makes you think, then that's fine, maybe we all need that little push to look at ourselves once in a while.  I don't know.

I do not set pen to paper with the intention to hurt anyone.  I do not attack and leave your character lying there for dead.  I do not infer to your friends and family, or complete strangers, that you are a despicable soul, or a good for nothing.  I do not belittle and degrade you.  I do not rip you, or your character to shreds, and then act as if you deserved it.

If I reference someone, it's not to call them out, or to point fingers, it's to help ME figure out how to interact with this person.  Or how I can help them, understand them, comfort them, educate them...whatever the case may be.  It's ME trying to deal with something that is frustrating ME.

I don't lie about you.  I don't turn to those I know have a grievance against you and look for justification to make myself feel better.  Why would I?  If I look at the big picture and admit WHY those people aren't in your corner, I'd likely see they aren't the people I want in my corner either.  I don't turn to the dregs to get justification of my thoughts or actions.  I'm turning to MYSELF to figure it out....which is why I write. It's the equivalent of me talking aloud to myself.

I sit over here, deep in my own heart and mind, trying to figure out the where, what and why around me.  It's that simple.  Sorting out MY baggage, digging through it trying to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what, if any of it, is worth handing down.

Why does it have to be about you?  MY feelings and thoughts are just that...MINE.

MY writing is about ME.  Yes, I do reference people around me (without naming names), but only because my interaction with them affects ME.  The people and events in our lives have an effect on us and I use the writing to sort it all out.  IT'S ABOUT ME, not you.  It's a process I use to evaluate myself.  I'm harder on myself than you could ever be.  I'm working to make me a better me....for me. 

I don't believe in hollow words.  I have no time to give or to receive them. 

My writing is the release I use to cope instead of just letting emotion take the helm.  By writing, I'm able to more calmly think things out, and though I may still feel emotional about the topic, it keeps me from saying or doing things in a rash way.  It usually keeps me from telling you to stick it....usually.

Dad was not good at censoring his mouth.  He'd blow up at you, many times for no real reason at all, then offer another hollow apology.  I can't count the number of times I can remember looking at him thinking "I honestly have NO clue what you're talking about.  What did I do now?"  He'd accuse me of things that I honestly hadn't done, but wouldn't take the time to ask me about it.  He'd just accuse you and judge you guilty, leaving you standing there in shock, just thinking "WTF now?" 

I fight the urge to let my temper explode all the time, and work hard to not perpetuate the curse.  I can't count how many times he'd say something like "It's all my fault. I always screw things up. Blame me.", after realizing that just maybe he had over reacted to some imagined wrong doing.  You can't say it was your fault, in a way that you're turning yourself into the victim.  That means nothing.  You might as well just come out and say "I'm an ass and don't think before I speak, get used to it."

Writing keeps me from saying the first thing that comes to mind.  And those of you that really know me, know that it's hard to tell just what I might say if I don't censor myself.  You know that I rely on humor to cope, and that I tell it like it is.  I have been through a lot in my life already, for shit's sake! Humor is how I survived.  If you don't laugh, you might as well be angry all the time or spend all your time crying over what a victim you are.  I prefer to laugh at it and move on.  It's what helps ME get through all the bullshit.

So before you think this is about you, remember IT'S NOT. It's ME trying to deal with things.  Working out how to handle all the nonsensical bullshit that I've been through and dealt with.  It's me trying to not sit back and play the victim like so many people do nowadays. 

I'm not a drunkard that blames everyone else for my situation.  I'm not some person making really bad life decisions, at an age too young to understand their full consequences.  I'm not feeling insecure about how others view me, or pointing their faults out to hide my own.  I'm not one that's worrying that I have deep dark secrets that will be found out.  I'm not using others or pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. I'm not sitting in judgment of others, as if I've never done wrong.  I know who and what I am, and if you know me at all you do too.

I'm the bitch working hard to figure out more about who I am and what I want.  I'm the sarcastic woman who laughs at herself more than anyone.  I'm the mom trying hard to do better than Dad did. I'm the raging asshole who owns up to her mistakes and her faults.  I'm the girl who loves you with everything she has until you break her trust, then it's gone for good. I'm the giving person who tries to help, without being greedy and seeking personal gain.  I'm the girl who puts her actions out there because she has no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.  It's pretty transparent, what you see is what you get.  I'm not doing things under the table, worrying that I'll be found out later.  I'm the screwed up chic with more baggage than Samsonite, who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with it all.

I make mistakes, and bad choices, and I own them.  Yep, I did it.  I so just did.

I'm the hard heart who will never let you in again after you mortally wound me.  I have no problem turning the switch off and walking away from you.  I've seen me do it.

That's one trait I can't change.