*DISCLAIMER: The term "you" used throughout this entry is a general term, meaning people in general. No you's were harmed in the writing of this entry.*
I don't take or use words lightly. I write because it's how I stop and try to look at the big picture. It's how I lay all the little fragments out, and try to make some sense of them. Put them in some semblance of order, and try to understand what I'm seeing, feeling or thinking. It's more of a clinical evaluation, digging for the what, how and why of the thing that's on my mind or in my heart. It's a venue for coping, for letting off steam, for dealing with whatever happens to be on my mind at the time.
It's of no matter to me if anyone else reads it. I put it here for me. If you read it and it makes you think, then that's fine, maybe we all need that little push to look at ourselves once in a while. I don't know.
I do not set pen to paper with the intention to hurt anyone. I do not attack and leave your character lying there for dead. I do not infer to your friends and family, or complete strangers, that you are a despicable soul, or a good for nothing. I do not belittle and degrade you. I do not rip you, or your character to shreds, and then act as if you deserved it.
If I reference someone, it's not to call them out, or to point fingers, it's to help ME figure out how to interact with this person. Or how I can help them, understand them, comfort them, educate them...whatever the case may be. It's ME trying to deal with something that is frustrating ME.
I don't lie about you. I don't turn to those I know have a grievance against you and look for justification to make myself feel better. Why would I? If I look at the big picture and admit WHY those people aren't in your corner, I'd likely see they aren't the people I want in my corner either. I don't turn to the dregs to get justification of my thoughts or actions. I'm turning to MYSELF to figure it out....which is why I write. It's the equivalent of me talking aloud to myself.
I sit over here, deep in my own heart and mind, trying to figure out the where, what and why around me. It's that simple. Sorting out MY baggage, digging through it trying to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what, if any of it, is worth handing down.
Why does it have to be about you? MY feelings and thoughts are just that...MINE.
MY writing is about ME. Yes, I do reference people around me (without naming names), but only because my interaction with them affects ME. The people and events in our lives have an effect on us and I use the writing to sort it all out. IT'S ABOUT ME, not you. It's a process I use to evaluate myself. I'm harder on myself than you could ever be. I'm working to make me a better me....for me.
I don't believe in hollow words. I have no time to give or to receive them.
My writing is the release I use to cope instead of just letting emotion take the helm. By writing, I'm able to more calmly think things out, and though I may still feel emotional about the topic, it keeps me from saying or doing things in a rash way. It usually keeps me from telling you to stick it....usually.
Dad was not good at censoring his mouth. He'd blow up at you, many times for no real reason at all, then offer another hollow apology. I can't count the number of times I can remember looking at him thinking "I honestly have NO clue what you're talking about. What did I do now?" He'd accuse me of things that I honestly hadn't done, but wouldn't take the time to ask me about it. He'd just accuse you and judge you guilty, leaving you standing there in shock, just thinking "WTF now?"
I fight the urge to let my temper explode all the time, and work hard to not perpetuate the curse. I can't count how many times he'd say something like "It's all my fault. I always screw things up. Blame me.", after realizing that just maybe he had over reacted to some imagined wrong doing. You can't say it was your fault, in a way that you're turning yourself into the victim. That means nothing. You might as well just come out and say "I'm an ass and don't think before I speak, get used to it."
Writing keeps me from saying the first thing that comes to mind. And those of you that really know me, know that it's hard to tell just what I might say if I don't censor myself. You know that I rely on humor to cope, and that I tell it like it is. I have been through a lot in my life already, for shit's sake! Humor is how I survived. If you don't laugh, you might as well be angry all the time or spend all your time crying over what a victim you are. I prefer to laugh at it and move on. It's what helps ME get through all the bullshit.
So before you think this is about you, remember IT'S NOT. It's ME trying to deal with things. Working out how to handle all the nonsensical bullshit that I've been through and dealt with. It's me trying to not sit back and play the victim like so many people do nowadays.
I'm not a drunkard that blames everyone else for my situation. I'm not some person making really bad life decisions, at an age too young to understand their full consequences. I'm not feeling insecure about how others view me, or pointing their faults out to hide my own. I'm not one that's worrying that I have deep dark secrets that will be found out. I'm not using others or pretending to be someone or something that I'm not. I'm not sitting in judgment of others, as if I've never done wrong. I know who and what I am, and if you know me at all you do too.
I'm the bitch working hard to figure out more about who I am and what I want. I'm the sarcastic woman who laughs at herself more than anyone. I'm the mom trying hard to do better than Dad did. I'm the raging asshole who owns up to her mistakes and her faults. I'm the girl who loves you with everything she has until you break her trust, then it's gone for good. I'm the giving person who tries to help, without being greedy and seeking personal gain. I'm the girl who puts her actions out there because she has no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive. It's pretty transparent, what you see is what you get. I'm not doing things under the table, worrying that I'll be found out later. I'm the screwed up chic with more baggage than Samsonite, who is trying to figure out the best way to deal with it all.
I make mistakes, and bad choices, and I own them. Yep, I did it. I so just did.
I'm the hard heart who will never let you in again after you mortally wound me. I have no problem turning the switch off and walking away from you. I've seen me do it.
That's one trait I can't change.
