Symptoms:
- Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation
- Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals
- Exaggerates own importance
- Exaggerates achievements and talents
- Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance
- Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment
- Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others
- Is easily jealous
- Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
- Has obsessive self-interest
- Pursues mainly selfish goals
Paranoid Personality Disorder:
The specific cause of this disorder is unknown. It appears to be more common in families with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests that genes may be involved. Paranoid personality disorder can result from negative childhood experiences fostered by a threatening domestic atmosphere. It is prompted by extreme and unfounded parental rage and/or condescending parental influence that cultivate profound child insecurities.
They also state that the following symptoms may be present:
- Suspicion
- Concern with hidden motives
- Expects to be exploited by others
- Inability to collaborate
- Social isolation
- Poor self image
- Detachment
- Hostility
I grew up with a man that was both of these things. Now there's a fun little party mix to deal with on a day to day basis!
What I have to remind myself is that he did too. HIS father, and his grandfather, were both complete Narcissists. I come from a long line of screwed up, apparently.
It's ok though. Not the way I was treated or the pure SHIT I've gone through, that part isn't ok at all! What's ok is the fact that it's made me who I am. It's made me strong like forged steel because if those men couldn't break me, you sure as hell won't!
I can do this. Even though my insides quake, and that damned voice in my head whispers that I can't, I put on a brave face and go balls to the wall until I conquer whatever it is.
I've learned to let go of what I can't change. If I don't like something or someone, I simply don't interact with it/them. I try to limit the amount of negativity I allow in my life. Yeah, doesn't always work, but I do my best.
The turning point came when Dad said something that crossed a very sacred line for me. It involved my child, and I snapped. The second that he said it, I cut off all communication with him for a very long time. I didn't even respond to the statement he made because I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of hurting me, yet again.
I realized that I'd spent 35 years trying to make up for whatever it was that I'd done wrong, but I wasn't the one at fault. Whatever his issues were, were his alone and I had nothing in it. He was the one who was broken, the one who was unworthy, not me.
I vowed that I would not subject my kids to his moods, rages, humiliation, and general chaos.
It took four years for us to begin to mend fences. And then he died.
The fence mending began at his father's funeral, when he came up to me at the graveyard as everyone was leaving. I don't even recall how he started the conversation, probably with what I viewed as yet another hollow apology to make himself look good, and I snapped. I unloaded 37 years of pent up hurt, rage, hate and turmoil. I didn't say anything that I would regret later, but I unburdened myself. I figured since he'd laid it all on me, it was only fair that I lay it all out there for him to see. I tore open wounds that had never really healed. Hurts from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood. I threw in his face every crappy thing he'd ever put me and the family through.
I'll never forget the uncomfortable, shocked look on his face as I poured it all out. Like Tourette's and vomit.
I felt better because I released it all. It had nothing to do with whether or not he was sorry for what he'd done, I felt better because I finally took a stand for myself. I'll never forget how he seemed to shrink as I spoke. That big scary man who I'd tiptoed around my whole life suddenly was just a short, tired man.
I took the power back. Never again will I give that power up. Ever. It's mine and you can't have it!
Dad and I came to terms before he died and for that I'm thankful. There were a few times where I felt close to Dad, I do have some good memories of he and I, but the older he got, the worse he got.
I think we were later able to mend some fences because I said to him all the things he wanted to say to his dad. He was finally able to put himself in my shoes.
My great-grandfather was a narcissist, my grandfather was a narcissist, my dad was a paranoid narcissist. I think the paranoia goes hand in hand with it if you are an ACON of an ACON. I really do.
