....Like a kidney stone.
January 12th will be a year since Dad died. (Of course, I'm still super pissed about not finding out until the 13th, but we'll not get on that little soap box right now.) The thing is, it's my first Christmas without him being here.
The first Christmas that I don't have to decide if I want to chance having interaction with him.
The first Christmas I don't have to feel guilty about not going to see him, or berating myself if I do and it goes badly.
It's the first Christmas where I truly feel like I don't have to put up with other "family" that I don't want to be around. (I cannot stand the idea of putting on a fake front and playing nice with people that you really have no desire to be around. NOT the spirit and meaning behind Christmas, so why do we do that?)
Yes sir, for the most part, this has the makings of a new kind of weird Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, I miss Dad. It's weird knowing that it's over, he's gone, there's no "maybe tomorrow". He'll never see all my kids graduate. He'll never have great grandkids. It's just done.
Fini
The one thing I have gained from all this is that I've been shown the true colors of others and freed from any guilt I may have felt from not doing my part to keep in closer touch with them. Hallmark, and everyone else cashing in on the holidays, tells us that holidays are a time for family and mending fences and blah blah blah. It's all sunshine and happiness.
Bullshit.
It's awkward situations filled with people who are glancing furtively at their watches to see if they've stayed long enough to be able to make an acceptable escape.
It's people who are wishing they were having a lobotomy without sedation, instead of being cooped up in the stuffy house with people that grate on them like 80 grit toilet paper.
It's people feeling stressed out beyond belief and dying to run as far and as fast as they can.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Yes, I can hear you saying "because it's the right thing to do" or "because it means so much to (insert relative here)" . Or my favorite "I do it to try to keep the peace".
At what point was the huge responsibility of being Peace Keeper set upon your shoulders? Are you the Wyatt Earp of the holidays?
Is it acceptable for you to have the stress and anxiety piled on you, while you work, often without true success, to keep the entire mess from falling into chaos?
I think not.
The holidays are indeed meant to be a happy time that we share with people we care about the most. A time to be thankful for the good things in our lives.
It's not a time to wish Rolaids came in a Pez dispenser because you're popping them in rapid fire succession on the way to Grandma's.
It's not supposed to be a time that you hope you can get just enough of a happy buzz going before that doorbell rings, so you can float your way through the inevitable conflict that is threatening to break the surface at any moment.
And that relative you dread the most? You know the one. The one who puts on airs and a fake front, but swears no one can see through him? The one who thinks that everyone is in awe of him and just so amazed by what a righteous, glorified, perfect person he is? The one who has inflated his own self worth to ridiculous, unrealistic levels?
You know the one I mean. The one that has his exit followed by a sigh of relief by the whole group.
Why would you let this relative ruin a perfectly good holiday? Just simply don't allow it. It really is that easy.
My holiday plans this year are simple. Spend time with those who I want to be around. I'll be spending the day with The Linebacker and the BF.
I may not get to see my Grandma's on Christmas, but that's ok, I'll catch up with them after Christmas, when we have time to actually sit and enjoy some time together, without the chaos and tension, and without the time restrictions when you factor in driving to several different places.
There's nothing wrong with spending the holidays the way YOU choose to spend them. I'm very thankful for the friends and family that I share my life with, no matter the distance between us. And for those that I choose not to include in my life, well, I'm thankful that I don't have to pretend that the situation is something different than what it is.
Merry Christmas to those that mean so much to me and mine.
The rest?
Happy trails to you....
