This Too Shall Pass....

....Like a kidney stone.


January 12th will be a year since Dad died.  (Of course, I'm still super pissed about not finding out until the 13th, but we'll not get on that little soap box right now.)  The thing is, it's my first Christmas without him being here. 

The first Christmas that I don't have to decide if I want to chance having interaction with him.

The first Christmas I don't have to feel guilty about not going to see him, or berating myself if I do and it goes badly.

It's the first Christmas where I truly feel like I don't have to put up with other "family" that I don't want to be around.  (I cannot stand the idea of putting on a fake front and playing nice with people that you really have no desire to be around. NOT the spirit and meaning behind Christmas, so why do we do that?)

Yes sir, for the most part, this has the makings of a new kind of weird Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I miss Dad.  It's weird knowing that it's over, he's gone, there's no "maybe tomorrow".  He'll never see all my kids graduate.  He'll never have great grandkids.  It's just done. 

Fini

The one thing I have gained from all this is that I've been shown the true colors of others and freed from any guilt I may have felt from not doing my part to keep in closer touch with them.  Hallmark, and everyone else cashing in on the holidays, tells us that holidays are a time for family and mending fences and blah blah blah. It's all sunshine and happiness.

Bullshit.

It's awkward situations filled with people who are glancing furtively at their watches to see if they've stayed long enough to be able to make an acceptable escape.

It's people who are wishing they were having a lobotomy without sedation, instead of being cooped up in the stuffy house with people that grate on them like 80 grit toilet paper.

It's people feeling stressed out beyond belief and dying to run as far and as fast as they can.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Yes, I can hear you saying "because it's the right thing to do" or "because it means so much to (insert relative here)" .  Or my favorite "I do it to try to keep the peace".

At what point was the huge responsibility of being Peace Keeper set upon your shoulders?  Are you the Wyatt Earp of the holidays? 

Is it acceptable for you to have the stress and anxiety piled on you, while you work, often without true success, to keep the entire mess from falling into chaos?

I think not.

The holidays are indeed meant to be a happy time that we share with people we care about the most.  A time to be thankful for the good things in our lives.

It's not a time to wish Rolaids came in a Pez dispenser because you're popping them in rapid fire succession on the way to Grandma's. 

It's not supposed to be a time that you hope you can get just enough of a happy buzz going before that doorbell rings, so you can float your way through the inevitable conflict that is threatening to break the surface at any moment.

And that relative you dread the most?  You know the one.  The one who puts on airs and a fake front, but swears no one can see through him? The one who thinks that everyone is in awe of him and just so amazed by what a righteous, glorified, perfect person he is?  The one who has inflated his own self worth to ridiculous, unrealistic levels? 

You know the one I mean.  The one that has his exit followed by a sigh of relief by the whole group.

Why would you let this relative ruin a perfectly good holiday?  Just simply don't allow it.  It really is that easy.

My holiday plans this year are simple.  Spend time with those who I want to be around.   I'll be spending the day with The Linebacker and the BF.

I may not get to see my Grandma's on Christmas, but that's ok, I'll catch up with them after Christmas, when we have time to actually sit and enjoy some time together, without the chaos and tension, and without the time restrictions when you factor in driving to several different places.

There's nothing wrong with spending the holidays the way YOU choose to spend them.  I'm very thankful for the friends and family that I share my life with, no matter the distance between us.  And for those that I choose not to include in my life, well, I'm thankful that I don't have to pretend that the situation is something different than what it is.

Merry Christmas to those that mean so much to me and mine.

The rest? 

Happy trails to you....

You Are A Pain In My....

I've been a moody bitch for the last two days, and about 3AM this morning, the migraine started creeping in.  My major trigger is stress, though I do get headaches because of weather changes sometimes too.  This, however, is definitely a stress migraine and it seems to be here to stay.

With the upcoming court date for Dad's estate on Thursday, it's not hard for me to imagine why this torture has taken root in my head.  I just wish it would go the hell away!

I've become very adept at stuffing things away and ignoring them, usually to save what's left of my sanity, but when the stress finally builds too high, it takes a toll.  The auras, nausea and cold sweats just SUCK!

I need this to all be over so I can sweep up the shrapnel and move on with things. This is a door that needs to close....soon.  Permanently.

Once this circus of greed is closed I can go back to functioning as a normal, slightly dysfunctional, person. 

We'll see whether or not all the promises of making things right will come to pass.  I doubt it.  I'll be shocked if people actually stand up and do the right thing, but I suppose stranger things have happened. 

I mean, some people actually thought Napoleon Dynamite was a funny movie, so I guess you just never know what might happen.

I Hear You Knockin' But You Can't Come In

Honestly, I won't even hear you knock after this door closes.

It's been a looooong year already and we're only 2/3 of the way through it.  Dad died January 12th this year and hopefully on September 12th, the estate will finally be settled.  I'm ready to move on and be done with all of it.  What was already a very painful situation should not have been made more painful, but it was.  Typical.

What is it about a death that brings to surface the true paranoia and greed of people?  Why does the focus shift so damned quickly from what you've just lost to what you think you are going to gain?  What the hell people?

There are so many parts to this whole situation that are just wrong.  Starting with not even being called until THE NEXT DAY!  Why you wouldn't call his daughter immediately is beyond me.  I don't care what you perceive the relationship to be, you CALL.  Someone should call!  IMMEDIATELY!

Ok, yes, I'm more than a little pissed off about that. Still.

It's just stupid!  Were you hiding something?  Trying to get your ducks in a row?  What?  What the hell were you thinking!?

There is no legit reason for not calling.  None.

As you can see, it started off just freakin' fabulous and has only gotten worse from there. 

I  miss Dad.  As much as he pissed me off, and as many times as we butted heads, and for all the shit he put us through....I miss my Dad.  I'm pissed at him for leaving behind yet another mess.  For leaving a million questions and more drama.  I'm pissed at him for dying and making me deal with such a pack of vultures.  I'm pissed at him for making me feel hurt, sad and pissed.  I'm pissed that the people that are supposed to be there for you during all this are the ones that I can't wait to be done with.  Dad would be pissed if he saw what was going on. 

If it hadn't been for Mom and The Linebacker over these last several months, I don't know what I would've done.  Yes, the BF has been supportive, but it's different because he's not part of "that" circle.  He doesn't have the ties to the situation that the rest of us share. 

In six more days I will be closing that last door for the final time, if there is any mercy in this world at all.  And when that door finally closes, I'm going to padlock, chain, glue, nail and permanently seal it up!  It's like the Pandora's Box of bullshit and I'm going to make damned sure it stays closed. 

It's not a positive situation so I'm going to walk away.  Scratch that.  I'm going to run like the hounds of hell themselves are chasing me and I'm wearing brown gravy perfume.  I'm out like a scout on a new route, Jack!

People forgot that the focus was supposed to be on Dad and who he was, good and bad, not what he had.  It's supposed to be emotional, spiritual, mental...not material.

What the hell is wrong with people?  No, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with them?

Exit....Stage Left

There are people, places and things that are not hard to walk away from.  You might think it would be, but surprisingly, when you find yourself faced with the decision, it's a relief to walk away and close the door.

For myself, the grief comes not from walking away, it comes from how EASY it is to walk away.  I briefly mourn what I think I SHOULD'VE felt when that door was closed, not the closing of the door itself. 

It's strange really.

You can't miss what you never had, so the mourning of the "should've been" is brief and not too intense compared to losing things you actually did have.

As I've journeyed through life, and learned to deal with different things, I've found that it's not hard to walk away anymore.  I simply turn, walk away and I rarely feel the urge for a backward glance.  Not anymore.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to make every little thing right.  I would stress myself to no end wondering what I could do different to make it all ok.

Now, I realize that I can't do anything to make it better because it isn't a problem of my doing to begin with.

Repeat after me "Not my problem".  Very good!

Did I become bitter and callous? Hateful and vengeful?  No.  I became focused on what truly matters.  Stress and drama are not what matters.  You being in the throws of a constant soap opera of deceit, paranoia, schemes and plans, while pretending to be something you're not, is not on my list of activities to participate in.  No thanks.  Don't need it, don't want it, won't tolerate it.

If a family member turns their back on you, or puts distance in your relationship, why would you chase them?  If they put everyone else ahead of their closest family, why would you spend your time and energy trying to make it work, when they are clearly choosing not to be an active, involved member of the family?  Surely you wouldn't tolerate a fair weather friend, would you?  Why tolerate a family member who acts that way? 

Do I still consider them family?  In a biological way, yes.  But are they "real" family?  No.  Family is more that just common DNA. 

Keep in mind that it's usually the person who is afraid of their flaws, actions or schemes being found out that is the person to put the distance in place to begin with.  The person who has something to hide will point fingers and throw stones as if their life depends on it.  And in their  mind, maybe it does.  As long as they are drawing attention to the real, or imagined, wrongs that everyone else is committing, then they think no one will see their problems. 

It's not wrong to shrug your shoulders, admit that you tried, then walk away.  Go live your life!  Their problems are not yours, you can't fix it and shouldn't be expected to. 

There are only a small handful of people that I've ever truly walked away from.  Do I regret it?  No.  It took me a long time to realize it's ok to stand up for yourself and close the door on an unhealthy situation.  Sure, it would've been nice if things could've been different, but some people will never change, and that's their choice.  The way a person treats others is totally up to them.  How I react to that treatment, and whether or not I accept it, is up to me.

Tell them it's not acceptable and go on your way.  It really is just that easy.

I'm not saying it won't hurt.  But as you learn to put yourself, and your real friends and family first, it becomes easier to stand firm and make the tough decisions.

It's very freeing.  It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, and the stress has been washed away.

Make like Snagglepuss, tip your hat and exit..stage left.  After all, you're the director of your life and you get to decide who stars in the production and who gets cut.

The Devil Wears Armani

The Devil wears designer suits
And preys upon your fears
He sidles up and leans in close
To whisper in your ears

The brotherhood he offers
Is not what at first it seems
He sidles deep into your mind
And convolutes your dreams

Pretending to be what he's not
He pulls you slowly in
Assures you if you ever leave
You'll surely die in sin

His way is the only way
Twisting truth to suit his needs
Programs his mindless minions
To cater to his needs

Doom & gloom is all that's taught
Never joyful song
You're a dirty sinner fool
You were raised all wrong

Sit in judgment of your folks
Your family is at fault
Blindly do you follow him
In his thin veiled cult

When you see the truth of him
The light will burn your eyes
You burnt so many bridges
While you swallowed up his lies

Never can you go again
To the place that you were raised
For you condemned the lot of us
When it was he who got your praise

How the mighty fall
When falsehoods they do tout
Who's up on that pedestal
Now that's he's been found out




This is  not my preachy moment, it came to me when talking with another about how people will so blindly follow someone.  They get taken in by someone who says they are looking out for their best interests, when in fact, the only interests that are being looked out for are selfish ones.  You watch from a distance as they are brainwashed and pulled in by someone who is NOT what they are trying to appear to be, yet you can do nothing. 

I'm glad I'm hard headed, and not easily led.