You Are A Pain In My....

I've been a moody bitch for the last two days, and about 3AM this morning, the migraine started creeping in.  My major trigger is stress, though I do get headaches because of weather changes sometimes too.  This, however, is definitely a stress migraine and it seems to be here to stay.

With the upcoming court date for Dad's estate on Thursday, it's not hard for me to imagine why this torture has taken root in my head.  I just wish it would go the hell away!

I've become very adept at stuffing things away and ignoring them, usually to save what's left of my sanity, but when the stress finally builds too high, it takes a toll.  The auras, nausea and cold sweats just SUCK!

I need this to all be over so I can sweep up the shrapnel and move on with things. This is a door that needs to close....soon.  Permanently.

Once this circus of greed is closed I can go back to functioning as a normal, slightly dysfunctional, person. 

We'll see whether or not all the promises of making things right will come to pass.  I doubt it.  I'll be shocked if people actually stand up and do the right thing, but I suppose stranger things have happened. 

I mean, some people actually thought Napoleon Dynamite was a funny movie, so I guess you just never know what might happen.

I Hear You Knockin' But You Can't Come In

Honestly, I won't even hear you knock after this door closes.

It's been a looooong year already and we're only 2/3 of the way through it.  Dad died January 12th this year and hopefully on September 12th, the estate will finally be settled.  I'm ready to move on and be done with all of it.  What was already a very painful situation should not have been made more painful, but it was.  Typical.

What is it about a death that brings to surface the true paranoia and greed of people?  Why does the focus shift so damned quickly from what you've just lost to what you think you are going to gain?  What the hell people?

There are so many parts to this whole situation that are just wrong.  Starting with not even being called until THE NEXT DAY!  Why you wouldn't call his daughter immediately is beyond me.  I don't care what you perceive the relationship to be, you CALL.  Someone should call!  IMMEDIATELY!

Ok, yes, I'm more than a little pissed off about that. Still.

It's just stupid!  Were you hiding something?  Trying to get your ducks in a row?  What?  What the hell were you thinking!?

There is no legit reason for not calling.  None.

As you can see, it started off just freakin' fabulous and has only gotten worse from there. 

I  miss Dad.  As much as he pissed me off, and as many times as we butted heads, and for all the shit he put us through....I miss my Dad.  I'm pissed at him for leaving behind yet another mess.  For leaving a million questions and more drama.  I'm pissed at him for dying and making me deal with such a pack of vultures.  I'm pissed at him for making me feel hurt, sad and pissed.  I'm pissed that the people that are supposed to be there for you during all this are the ones that I can't wait to be done with.  Dad would be pissed if he saw what was going on. 

If it hadn't been for Mom and The Linebacker over these last several months, I don't know what I would've done.  Yes, the BF has been supportive, but it's different because he's not part of "that" circle.  He doesn't have the ties to the situation that the rest of us share. 

In six more days I will be closing that last door for the final time, if there is any mercy in this world at all.  And when that door finally closes, I'm going to padlock, chain, glue, nail and permanently seal it up!  It's like the Pandora's Box of bullshit and I'm going to make damned sure it stays closed. 

It's not a positive situation so I'm going to walk away.  Scratch that.  I'm going to run like the hounds of hell themselves are chasing me and I'm wearing brown gravy perfume.  I'm out like a scout on a new route, Jack!

People forgot that the focus was supposed to be on Dad and who he was, good and bad, not what he had.  It's supposed to be emotional, spiritual, mental...not material.

What the hell is wrong with people?  No, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with them?

Atta boy!

There have been many times that I've been proud of each of my kids.  Last night, The Linebacker outdid himself and I'm so very proud of the person he's becoming.

He played two football games last night, and even though he was hot, tired and sore, he gave his all.  For every minute, of every game, he played with everything he had.  Not only did he demonstrate good sportsmanship, he demonstrated a helluva lot of heart!

He played for the 7th grade team, which is short a couple players now due to injuries.  He started out playing defense for them, but about halfway into the game an offensive player got hurt so he took that position too.  By the time that game was over, The Linebacker had already racked up a lot of field time, but he headed off to meet his team mates on the 8th grade team. 

The 8th graders were on fire and shut the other team out, 28-0.  They played HARD through all  four quarters.

By the end of the night, Wyatt had racked up 3 really nice tackles and some assists. For no bigger than he is, that kid can hit like a freight train. 

Am I proud of his performance last night?  Of course, I am!  I'm crazy proud of how he played.  But what I'm most proud of is the attitude he showed.  He gave everything he had for both teams.  He didn't look at playing for the younger team as an inconvenience or act as if  it wasn't "his" team so it didn't matter.  He put the good of the teams ahead of himself, and I couldn't be more proud of that. 

He's not the star of the team, he's not the least talented player, but he's a good solid player that tries hard and is dependable.  That's a good place to be, if you ask me.

If he hadn't made one single play, I wouldn't be any less proud of him than I am right now.  He was a true team player, and put a large number of others ahead of himself.  I'm so thankful for that.

It's nice to know that in this world of instant gratification and downright selfishness, there's at least one young person who understands what it is to gain by giving.  That person is my kid.

Yeah, that's my boy!

Exit....Stage Left

There are people, places and things that are not hard to walk away from.  You might think it would be, but surprisingly, when you find yourself faced with the decision, it's a relief to walk away and close the door.

For myself, the grief comes not from walking away, it comes from how EASY it is to walk away.  I briefly mourn what I think I SHOULD'VE felt when that door was closed, not the closing of the door itself. 

It's strange really.

You can't miss what you never had, so the mourning of the "should've been" is brief and not too intense compared to losing things you actually did have.

As I've journeyed through life, and learned to deal with different things, I've found that it's not hard to walk away anymore.  I simply turn, walk away and I rarely feel the urge for a backward glance.  Not anymore.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out how to make every little thing right.  I would stress myself to no end wondering what I could do different to make it all ok.

Now, I realize that I can't do anything to make it better because it isn't a problem of my doing to begin with.

Repeat after me "Not my problem".  Very good!

Did I become bitter and callous? Hateful and vengeful?  No.  I became focused on what truly matters.  Stress and drama are not what matters.  You being in the throws of a constant soap opera of deceit, paranoia, schemes and plans, while pretending to be something you're not, is not on my list of activities to participate in.  No thanks.  Don't need it, don't want it, won't tolerate it.

If a family member turns their back on you, or puts distance in your relationship, why would you chase them?  If they put everyone else ahead of their closest family, why would you spend your time and energy trying to make it work, when they are clearly choosing not to be an active, involved member of the family?  Surely you wouldn't tolerate a fair weather friend, would you?  Why tolerate a family member who acts that way? 

Do I still consider them family?  In a biological way, yes.  But are they "real" family?  No.  Family is more that just common DNA. 

Keep in mind that it's usually the person who is afraid of their flaws, actions or schemes being found out that is the person to put the distance in place to begin with.  The person who has something to hide will point fingers and throw stones as if their life depends on it.  And in their  mind, maybe it does.  As long as they are drawing attention to the real, or imagined, wrongs that everyone else is committing, then they think no one will see their problems. 

It's not wrong to shrug your shoulders, admit that you tried, then walk away.  Go live your life!  Their problems are not yours, you can't fix it and shouldn't be expected to. 

There are only a small handful of people that I've ever truly walked away from.  Do I regret it?  No.  It took me a long time to realize it's ok to stand up for yourself and close the door on an unhealthy situation.  Sure, it would've been nice if things could've been different, but some people will never change, and that's their choice.  The way a person treats others is totally up to them.  How I react to that treatment, and whether or not I accept it, is up to me.

Tell them it's not acceptable and go on your way.  It really is just that easy.

I'm not saying it won't hurt.  But as you learn to put yourself, and your real friends and family first, it becomes easier to stand firm and make the tough decisions.

It's very freeing.  It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, and the stress has been washed away.

Make like Snagglepuss, tip your hat and exit..stage left.  After all, you're the director of your life and you get to decide who stars in the production and who gets cut.